I was having a pretty hard day on Mother's Day this year. It just didn't feel right that I couldn't spend it with all 3 of my children. I was sitting in bed, looking at pictures of Noah, and crying... I started praying, asking God to heal my broken heart. I overwhelmingly felt him tell me, "I've got him." That's it. That is exactly what I needed. The Maker of the Universe.... He's got him. Noah is WITH him. In his presence, Forever. If I can't raise him up, there's no better place for him.
Last week, I received a call from one of Noah's main doctors and he spent 30 minutes going over the autopsy report. There were no big surprises.... and to me, it seemed like it was a miracle that he did have 27 days with us. They found that his lungs were underdeveloped and small, due to the lack of amniotic fluid early on in the pregnancy. His liver was 6-7X bigger than it should have been, and a portion of it had died due to everything going on. His kidneys were not formed properly and weren't working very efficiently. The fluid was likely coming in through a layer in the abdominal wall, but no for sure answers as to why... probably a combination of everything else going on. His bladder was very enlarged, as well as the ureters. Most of these things we already knew. But hearing and then reading it all in the report just made me realize how very sick he was. When we learned of the complications during the pregnancy, I thought that once he was born the doctors would fix everything and all would be well. I had a lot of hope for that. That obviously didn't pan out... it wasn't God's plan.
I remember a few years back hearing of a friend who had an early miscarriage, and I though to myself.... "What a terrible thing to have to go through, but wouldn't it be something to have a child waiting to meet you when you arrived in Heaven?" I felt kind of guilty for having that thought, but now I believe that God was preparing me.
Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. James 1:2-3
It has taken awhile to learn to be thankful for what happened with Noah. Scripture tells me to be thankful and to count my trials as joy. That probably seems crazy to some... but it has truly brought me healing.
Things I'm Thankful For
-27 Days with Noah. God wanted us to know him.
-Full Healing. He doesn't have to live a life with numerous complications/pain.
-The Promise that we will be together again. This life is a vapor.
-The incredible amount of love and support from our family and friends. Truly grateful.
-Noah has helped others grow closer to Jesus. I have received several letters from people telling me the impact he has had on their lives... How it has made them stop and think about how short life is and to remember what is important. One person told me how it really helped their family who has gone through numerous miscarriages. Another wrote that she really stopped and refocused her life on Jesus.
If the pain we endured in losing Noah has brought others to God, then being separated for this short time will be worth it. God told me, "I've got him." That has brought me a tremendous amount of peace. The God who made us all, who made the earth and heavens, who made the light and dark and everything in between.... He's got him. And I'm thankful.
